(Photo of: my mess. Photo Credit: Anjuli Baldwin.)
Pride and Prejudice always knows what to say. Jane Austen was a true genius. Because what are men compared to rocks and mountains? They are most certainly not the serene picture of rolling hills, tumbling rocks, and looming mountains. Nature brings my mind peace whereas men, and I would venture to guess this would apply to most women, bring about an eye twitch. No, I'm not writing this because my love life has come crashing down like Jenga, but just simply stating the truth of human nature and making a redundant, already obvious statement. Perhaps this thought was risen up by the indulgence of watching Eat, Pray, Love, which to be honest I'm not terribly fond of. However the concept is tempting, lures women in like flies to a Venus Fly Trap, only to be swallowed slowly and painfully. Or maybe it's more like a Pitcher Plant, drawn to the taste of a honey-like substance, disguised as a treat of ecstasy, only to drown in a puddle of sweet nectar. Brutal, I know. Elizabeth Gilbert is a good writer indeed and her travels interesting but evil in nature as it invokes the same desire within myself, and I am sure many women, to just abandon life as we know it to seek oneself in food, nature and a romantic love affair in a far off land. How cliché.
My desire to abandon everything is less extreme. I'm not about to pick up, leave my boyfriend, and just ditch my job and family in pursuit of a "higher power" or "myself". I already know myself and I'm already rather acquainted with a higher power. I'm also not miserable in my relationship nor am I suicidal (like Liz Gilbert was post-divorce before she gallivanted off to Italy). Simply, my life is monotonous. I wake up everyday at the same time, I go to a job I less than love, and I come home at 3pm only to crash for a quick nap before I spend time with my boyfriend or friends doing the same thing we always do. I'm always exhausted, I'm always waiting for the weekend, I'm always counting down the days till my next vacation or long weekend, I'm always wondering about the future and I'm always thinking about how can I get myself out of this meaningless job. Is school the answer? It would certainly help get better positions in my field of interest but that's not exactly a guarantee either. Is running away to a foreign country the answer? Maybe. But then again, that's just running away from life and the real world. And what would I do when I came home? Resume my old life?
The picture of my easel and paints reflects my mind. A chaotic disaster, scattered across a large surface area. That's what my thoughts look like. A little organized, a little messy, a little artsy, a whole lot of crazy. Someone once told me they saw me in a the middle of a tornado - I was the eye of the storm - and the clouds of fury were made up of colour, representing emotion, and I was plucking them from the chaos. A sort of prophecy, so to speak, given to me very many years ago. I still haven't a clue what it means. I don't exactly feel like the eye of the storm as life swirls around me. There's certainly a lack of calm where I stand. Most of the time I feel part of the winding winds.
But maybe that's just life. A crazy whirlwind that passes quickly through the night and you can only squeeze your eyes shut and hope you land somewhere between normal and crazy.
We live in an interesting world; One that lends itself to a lot of questions like, "What am I doing with my life?" We have a tendency to seek the purpose in our lives in order to find satisfaction in that purposefulness. Trouble is, we deal with a lot of abstract, non-tangible processes and information. In a technological age, it is harder to see and appreciate the effect we are having and the things we are achieving. But the tasks we pursue and complete, however menial they may seem, are still essential contributions to the massive systems we've built our Western World around.
ReplyDeleteWho you are, isn't necessarily defined by what work you do, but how you look at and approach each task and, of course, what you choose to do in your time outside work.
While I can say all this, that isn't to say I don't have the occasional identity crisis or case of the blahs. Though God always seems to place before me new opportunities for joy, creativity, and interesting experiences. As I am sure He does for you too.
I don't think that school is the answer... I have finished not four but six years of university, I have a degree and yes, I am fully qualified to start teaching my own classroom but for some reason the very thought of following this career path that was once a "dream" terrifies me. Its like no matter how old we become we always have new dreams and the idea that was once a "dream" is now a something you once wanted to do.
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