(Photo Credit: Indie and Ollie, taken by me)
When I was little I had a bad habit of ordering people around. Usually this landed on my unsuspecting sister once she was old enough to walk and understand me but it didn't particular matter who it was, just whoever happened to be available. It was something as simple as ordering Rachel to get me an apple from the fridge, or telling a classmate not to screw up so I didn't have to give him another eraser. (We had "eraser duty" and took turns handing them out, I being the kind individual that I am, handed a crumb of an eraser to one poor child and when he protested merely reacted with a haughty, "Well, then just don't make any mistakes!"). I suppose this trait probably made me a bit of a bratty child, and by a bit I mean a lot, but over the years this specific niche in my personality greatly subdued itself.
Maybe not subdued, just adjusted to society and my childhood self has realized I can't order people around so I don't have to fetch an apple from the fridge. I'm pretty sure I would've been punched in highschool if my attitude had carried into adolescent life.
Adjusted is almost the right word. I've pressed down my urge to control every situation, and I've even overcome some obstacles and managed to let go of things I had trouble holding onto. I'm not so much of a control freak anymore, at least not obviously. My inner self still battles, still fights to cling to something tangible in which I can get my grimy little hands on to manipulate. That sounds so evil but I promise it isn't. The control has manifested into fear. It disguises itself so I can't see it, so I can't get rid of it, so it can infiltrate my life and the control begins to control me. All I see is fear, and my fear leads me to digging up histories, my own, other people's, and the obsession of knowledge overtakes me and the obsession of finding out the past to predict the future takes over until I am so wound up I develop eye-twitches. And I spiral inwards down a dark hole and all I can see is a lot of self-hatred and a lot of desperation.
Something as stupid as ordering someone to get me an apple has turned into an internal battle of self-worth and fear. The fear of losing control and allowing someone to hurt me can ruin my life. But controlling people, relationships, my career, my entire future, is about as fruitless as trying to control the two terrorist kitties you see sleeping in the picture above. And no one can control those two.
I am aware this is all very shocking news, very unsuspecting of me to have control issues. Everyone is mind-blown. (enter sarcasm here).
But apples will be apples, right?
